My Mom Doesn't Say "I Love You"

I may not like my mom most of the time, but I will always love her. I'll love her no matter how long I go without speaking to her because I can't handle the criticism, I'll love her through the endless rants about how fat I am or how tattooed I am, or how I can't do this or that  the right way.

My mom is a wonderful and devoted educator. She wins awards for her great efforts, knowledge, and patience. Kids years later seek her out, as someone that played an important role one year in their lives. She spends so much time and energy making sure her students receive the best education she can provide.

She's strong. Too strong for her own good. She doesn't let anyone see her falter, she doesn't share any details of her life that could make her seem weak or vulnerable when it counts. She may cry at a sappy tv commercial or that time she cried watching Wheel of Fortune, but when the going gets tough, she's as stoic as can be.

I didn't discover until I was into my 20s that it was weird that my mom didn't hug me or show me affection. I can't remember a time that my mom put her arms around me. I'm sure she did it when I was tiny, as there's pictures. But graduating from any schooling, life achievement moments; it just never happened. I shared hugs with a few relatives I didn't see often, or for friends on occasion. But my mom? Nope.

I remember trying to hug her once, when a coworker of hers passed away and I came home to the news, and a visibly shaken mother. I immediately became nervous, because my mom just didn't show emotion like that. I tried to give her a hug and it was the oddest moment ever. She shook a bit and backed away and got angry.

There's days I want so badly that mother daughter relationship that I see on tv, or hear about from my friends. I want the emotional relationship that only a mom can provide. I often wonder what happened in her life before I came to be that has caused the shut down. I've searched myself, our family. What's wrong with me that she won't talk to me other than to belittle or correct me? What made her not be able to see the good stuff too?

Then there's that L word. It just never comes out of her mouth. Ever. I just don't remember it being said to me at any point in my life, not even as a small child. Maybe I should try to say it some time, but I just can't ever seem to spit it out.